Well…I shall not die…and I am proclaiming the greatness of the Lord.
I think it’s been about a year since I last posted. Much has happened and I don’t think I can even begin to describe it all. My most defining moments date back to the beginning of this year. In January, I gave up my stubborness and got an oophorectomy. I tried Lupron again as it became evident that as I cycled, the cancer grew faster. I tried supplements, diet, etc., but I just could not keep up with the growth of the cancer when my estrogen peaked. The pain of tumor growth in the bones is horrifying and can wear a person down quickly. I fell into a very deep depression afterward the surgery because this was the final blow to my chances of ever reaching motherhood. Many well-intentioned people spoke swiftly by assuring me that I “can always adopt.” I think this just depressed and angered me more. I worked in adoption. I understand homestudies and the adoption process quite well. I’m also a single gal with a terminal cancer, living in a small apartment, working full-time with a modest income. How will that work out with adopting? An adoption agency would laugh me right out of their agency before the thought of an incredibly expensive homestudy would come to their mind. I have a cat now. I was allowed to adopt her, and we love each other.
During this deep depression I could care less about living. I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but I just wanted the cancer to quickly and painlessly take me out. It was that bad. I spent time laying on my floor bawling daily for a while after my oophorectomy. Then, it happened…that moment where I thought I was surely going to die and headed to the emergency department of the local hospital.
Mid-March, right after my birthday, I ended up in the hospital with a compression fracture at my T-12 area. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the scans, but I guess I had three broken vertebrae and a large tumor pressing into my spine beginning to paralyze me. At that time I was doing an alternative therapy where I had to limit some very crucial nutrients like Vitamin C, Selenium, Iodine, and many other things. That therapy, however, did seem to work for the first few months last fall, but the lack of crucial nutrients caught up with me and the cancer started growing again.
Currently, I am receiving chemo through my oncologist as well as a cancer-fighting nutrient infusion (including very high vitamin C) from my naturopathic MD. After three Vitamin C infusions and only two chemo treatments, my tumor marker dropped by nearly 1,000 (went down by half). Conventional treatment is actually my “complimentary” treatment while the more holistic care is the front line. I dealt with my depression head on, but still have some bad days. I have to give myself some grace though, I entered an immediate menopause at age 43 which has some pretty extreme side effects.
I had to re-evaluate my walk with God…again. While I was in the emergency waiting area before they hospitalized me, I sat next to a young, Baptist woman who noted I was reading my pocket bible that I keep in my purse. She struck up a conversation with me and brought me to tears with her admonishment to make the Word of God my best friend and comfort during this time. Up to that moment, my bible studying was fading away. I have been visiting her church since it is so much easier to get to right now with all my challenges. They are a very victorious church and take the Word seriously. I like the accountability and the straightforwardness of the Gospel there. I feel revitalized finally.
God is doing a good work in me, and He will bring it to completion just as He promised. Through this all, He has never left my side. He asked of me to be obedient and learn from Him. I would have never thought of going back to chemo, but He has promised me good. I put my hope and trust in Him to heal me. I no longer have to strive after anything in this world to save or heal me. It is Him. Yes, I will go to chemo. Yes, I absolutely love my Vitamin C infusions. But, it is Him and He has kept me. I know that He will not forsake me. I’m learning to be obedient to Him all over again. Obedience brings blessings. Not just proclaiming that God owes anything to you. He is a God of great grace to this fallen world, but obedience to Him and His Word is key to a healthy, whole and blessed life.